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Apr 1 / Mr. Science

Funny Sex Quotes

Funny Sex QuotesIt’s April Fools Day, and while I don’t do gags about sex (they’re not very nice), I can offer you ten of the funniest sex quotes I’ve collected for my book.

If you have a good sex quote that didn’t make my list, simply post it in the comment section.

-Mr. Science

Top 10 Funniest Sex Quotes:

#10. Penis Size: “It’s okay to laugh in the bedroom so long as you don’t point.” ~Will Durst

#9. Sex Books: “If sex is such a natural phenomenon, how come there are so many books on how to do it.” ~Bette Midler

#8. Kids, Kids, Kids: “My 3-year-old is so enamored of his penis these days, he can’t do anything that requires two hands.” ~Molly Ryan

#7. Sexy Mosquitoes: “Biologically, if something bites you it’s more likely to be female.” ~Desmond Morris

#6. Sexual Stamina: “I know I must be really good in bed, ‘cause women always ask me if there’s any possible way I could make it last longer.” ~Bill Hewins

#5. Female Breasts: “Without nipples, breasts would be pointless.” –Jody Nathan

#4. Masturbation: “We have reason to believe that man first walked upright to free his hands for masturbation.” ~Lily Tomlin

#3. Male Circumcision: “When they circumcised him they threw away the wrong bit.” ~David George

#2. Multiple Orgasms: “Women aren’t faking orgasms anymore. They’re hiding them. ‘I didn’t feel anything.  Oh that? That was the hiccups.’” ~Diane Nichols

#1. Sex Education: “The real hope of the world lies in putting as painstaking thought into the business of MATING as we do into other big businesses.” ~Margaret Sanger

Please add additional funny sex quotes in the comment section below…


Leave a comment
  1. Cordell / Jun 8 2011

    +A for this humorous post. Keep the sexy quotations coming!

  2. Shaun / Aug 4 2011

    “Sexual intercourse is a poor substitute for masturbation.”–Quentin Crisp

  3. John / Aug 5 2011

    “Sex is God’s joke on the human race.” – Bette Davis

  4. Sex Chat / Sep 21 2011

    Thank you for your incredible sex quotes. The funniest sex quote i have ever read is “Man, I am tired being married to your penis.”— I forgot the writer

  5. Beck / Oct 24 2011

    Sex is like snow, you never know how many inches to expect or how long I might last.

  6. DT / Dec 22 2011

    I’m not a good lover, but at least I’m fast. –Drew Carey

  7. Sierra / Jan 5 2012

    Sex is like air…not important until you’re not getting any. –Debbie Reynolds

  8. John / Jan 5 2012

    “To men, porno movies are beautiful love stories with all the boring stuff taken out.” ~Richard Jeni

  9. Adult Sex Toys / Jul 18 2012

    My favourite: “I know I must be really good in bed, ‘cause women always ask me if there’s any possible way I could make it last longer.” ~Bill Hewins

    proper laugh out loud!

  10. jim / Aug 10 2014

    Sex is like a fart. if you have to force it, it will probably be crap.

  11. Anonymous / Feb 24 2015

    At 90, I just envy the young, and remember the good ol’ days. – danny boy

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