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Jun 15 / Dr. Amy Marsh

The Vagina Dialogues – Michigan Style

I’m sure you’ve all heard by now that two Michigan state representatives – two FEMALE state representatives- have been banned from speaking on the floor of the House of Representatives. One of them, Lisa Brown, used the word “vagina” in a speech, while opposing Michigan’s new abortion law. The other rep, Barb Byrum, was also told she could no longer speak, apparently because she spoke out of turn.

As a result, #VaginaMovieLines are making the rounds on Twitter. These are famous movie quotes mutated through substituting the V-word. I read a few, wrote a few, and whattaya know, thought me up a gen-u-ine #VaginaMovieLine parable.

Our story starts with Michigan’s Majority Floor Leader, Jim Stamas, who was so very offended by legitimate medical terminology. Let’s imagine that tonight he is tossing and turning in his sleep, not altogether easy in his mind, maybe even agitated by a profound disturbance in the Force. In his fitful slumber, he has a dream… and in this dream he is visited by the spirit of an enormous, pulsating, unmentionable, talking body part:

“Allow me to introduce myself. I am the Invisible Vagina.” (1) The vulva looms over his bed, unfurling her labia as a cobra opens its hood.

Stamas recoils from this Ghost of Excess Past, and shrieks, “Get away from me, you hairy vagina!” (2)

Leering with delicious irony, the vulva replies, “If you can’t sleep, it isn’t the coffee – it’s the vagina.” (3) She snickers.

Stamas pinches himself, but still doesn’t awake. “I never dreamed that any mere vaginal experience could be so stimulating!” (4).

The vulva looks him straight in the eye, “”You gentlemen aren’t really trying to kill my vagina, are you?” (5) Though fingerless, her manner suggests impatient red lacquered nails tapping on a rosewood desk.

Stamas mutters under his breath, “”Some days, you just can’t get rid of a vagina…” (6) Hearing this, the vulva turns bright red and doubles in size. Alarmed, Stamas tries charm, “You’re very pretty, Pretty-Pretty.” (7)

The spirit sneers, “My name isn’t Pretty-Pretty. It’s Vaginarella.” (8)

“Frankly, my dear, I don’t give a damn!” Jim had had just about enough of that word! (9)

“There are worse things than chastity, (10) Mr. Stamas.” The spirit paused, with a menacing look.

“Yeah, lunacy and vagina!” (11) It was Stamas’s turn to sneer.

The spirit ignored him, “I’m here to deliver a very serious message, Mr. Stamas: ‘No wire hangers. No wire hangers, EVER!’ (12). She paused, ”…I’m NOT gonna be ignored.” (13)

Stamas shrieks, “You’re out of order! You’re out of order! The whole vagina is out of order!” (14)

The vulva silences him with a look, “I have come here to chew bubblegum and kick ass… and I’m all out of bubblegum.”

Jim’s legislative bravado crumbled. Just thinking about his visitor chewing bubblegum fried what was left of his manhood. “I guess I’ve learned my lesson,” he whispered, “‘A kiss on the hand may be quite continental, but vaginas are a girl’s best friend.’” (15)

At this, Vaginarella began to fade. Her spectral voice sounding one last warning,  ”…Remember, no matter where you go, there you are.” (16)

Realizing that something fine and true was about to leave his life forever, Jim shouted, “Wait! Wait! ‘Was it as good for you as it was for me?’” (17) And then he awoke, a wire hanger twisted in his hand and the sheets were stained, as if with blood.


(1) Abbott and Costello Meet Frankenstein (1948) 

(2) The Hairy Ape (1944)

(3) Christmas in July (1940)

(4) The African Queen (1951)

(5) North by Northwest (1959)

(6) Batman (1966)

(7 & 8) Barbarella (1968)

(9) Gone with the Wind (1939)

(10 & 11) Night of the Iguana (19 —  )

(12) Mommie Dearest (1981)

(13) Fatal Attraction (1987) 

(14) …And Justice For All (1979)

(15) Gentlemen Prefer Blondes (1953)

(16) The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai Across the 8th Dimension (1984)

(17) The War of the Roses (1989) 


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